The reality couples and families face

When mothers are afflicted by neurologically debilitating conditions like NeuroLyme and Brain Cancer, two surprisingly similar conditions in the way that they manifest in disability, families are hit by the equivalent of a category five hurricane inside the home. The winds never stop and the rains never end. There is constant difficulty in nearly every aspect of life: everyone hunched over from carrying the heaviness of a load that moms can no longer carry and yet they keep trying. 

"It's an exception," in my experience, "rather than the norm, that marriages make it through the storm of Lyme Disease." Dr. Trippa, Clinical Psychologist

Cancer is associated with an "exorbitant increase" in divorce and "women carry the burden of this effect."  Michael J. Glantz, MD 

 "I counsel women right from the start that their marriages are at risk." Norton,  pres. of the American Society of Clinical Oncologists.

There are at least three reasons which cause so many hopeless situations. After sharing what these are, we'd like to offer a promising discovery that could make a difference with your help! 

The first reason is that moms wear themselves down into exhaustion and collapse every day with little to show. The best example I can offer about the cost exacted upon a mom whose responsibilities exceed her ability level can be observed through the lenses of our first guest, Robin Adams-Hays, Ph.D. Before coming to Emily's place her Lyme had gotten so bad that she hardly moved. But given the opportunity to rest and convalesce, and have everything done for her that contributed to daily collapses, she found her personality and wit coming back after a few short months. The storm of neurolyme is so blindsiding and progresses so imperceptively, she had no idea what things were making her worse until the burden was entirely lifted, and she tried to do things one by one. At that point, she became a witness to the things that had caused such low functioning levels so greatly before which resulted in her being a mere shell of herself. 

A second reason for the high divorce rate is that men are not conditioned to be nurturers, caretakers, or household managers. More often than not, husbands of wives with brain cancer and neurolyme come back from a full day's work to their wife crashing from the efforts of the day with little to show for it, and a house in disarray (if not chaos) because no matter how hard she tries, even beyond the physical collapses, she can't get things organized because the section of her brain needed to do that kind of work no longer works reliably. Additionally, the mere existence of clutter and disorganization in front of her eyes causes lowered functioning levels even further in mental and physical stamina.

A former dental hygienist who had to stop working due to NeuroLyme summed up the toll all of this takes on a mother, when she said:

"The fatigue I felt while fighting mono and cancer (not brain cancer) didn’t light a candle to the inexplicable fatigue I experienced bearing up under the torture of neuro-tickborne disease which is more like the effects of brain cancer."

This sort of debilitating fatigue not only forces men to take on the role of both breadwinner and household manager, but it also causes them to essentially lose the partner and companion they once knew. Physically torturous symptoms increase significantly with the demands of managing a household that exceed new ability levels causing even recreation and intimacy to become difficult, which creates an even greater strain on marriages. 

We're not talking about for weeks or months, but for years with no foreseeable end in sight. This is the third reason divorce rates can be so high when moms get a debilitating chronic illness.  Husbands and wives wear down under the burden of misunderstandings and hard feelings which spring from a desperation that comes out of constantly being in survival mode. They mistakenly think they need to carry their own load, and often have no clue that counselling specifically for those affected by Chronic Illness exists. And to be quite frank, when I was so tortured and fatigued and cognitively struggling, without the reprieve given to Robin at Emily's, counseling would be very difficult, because I wouldn't retain well, couldn't take notes well, wouldn't remember what I wanted to say well, and the emotion that comes with counselling through things would be all it took to cause me to be a complete shell straining to access my thoughts through a giant weight on my brain. Without better help and support, these difficulties are the makings of a perfect storm. And sadly, as a survivor of such a crisis in West Linn Oregon relates, ”you just don’t know the kind of help you need—until after you get out of the storm." Sadly, children & single moms are often left to figure things out on their own.

BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY!

And this is where you can help: